It's the end of the world as we know it...

...but funnily enough, I feel fine. No swine flu on this blog just yet, oh no, although there have certainly been a few swines associated with CUFC down the years.

Nevertheless, I'm getting a bit worried that the government might decide to ban mass gatherings such as football matches for our own protection as they seek to control the pandemic. Can you imagine our play off games having to be played behind closed doors? Actually in Histon's case it would probably result in an improvement in atmosphere, though I don't think ourselves, Stevenage, or Torquay would be so pleased.

After getting over the disappointment of Sunday, I'm feeling more upbeat about our chances of dispatching The Chavs and making it to Wembley once more. Cardy apparently shares my confidence:

"We did under-perform when we played them down there and we shot ourselves in the foot by conceding a couple of goals," our assistant manager notes in today's CN. "so the lads won't need winding up for this one."

Always good to hear, although I'd be a bit worried if they needed winding up for a play-off game to be honest. Having heard Carden talking on the Non-League show last week, he seems a bit more at ease with the media than the Brabinator, but I couldn't agree less with his comments (also in the CN article) about the Conference deserving more promotion spots.

Since the two-up, two-down, system was introduced, so many terrible sides have made it into what is described in the afforementioned article as the "elite 92"; exactly how elite can a competition which contains detritus like Accrington, Macclesfield, and Dagenham, be exactly? That's not to say they don't deserve to be there on footballing merit, just that the more promotion spots you make available, the higher chance there is that teams who don't have the fanbase or infrastructure to support league football will start climbing the ladder.

If anything they should be making it more difficult to get into the Football League. We and the rest of the relegated teams are here because we deserve to be here, and just because there are a lot of big (in non-league terms) teams in the Conference at present doesn't mean we should be able to escape this awful division without doing our time.

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U's:0 Alty:0

Isn't it amazing how quickly a week's worth of hopeful optimism can drain out of you?

Such is the lot of the football fan I suppose, but at around the time Scott Rendell was defying the laws of physics by heading the ball over the bar from a position where it looked physically impossible not to score, I began to get that familiar sinking feeling. I know we only had an Victoria Beckham-sized chance of winning the thing, but it's normal to feel disappointed, isn't it?

So it was that Burton became possibly the most underwhelming champions in the history of football, despite yet another defeat. That said, the league table doesn't lie, and yesterday was an accurate encapsulation of our season to date; plenty of good approach play, but an inability to convert simple opportunities. And, as my favourite popsters Los Campesinos! put it, when the smaller picture's the same as the bigger picture you know that you're f*****.

Personally I blame the 4000 odd rent-a-fans who turned up for the day to try and grab a slice of the championship glory. One chap standing next to me was telling his mate how he used to be a Macclesfield fan until he moved down south, and that if the two teams meet in the league next season he wouldn't know who to support. Strange mindset if you ask me, but there you go, I guess it's all good money for the club and stuff like that.

From the off it was clear we were going to have plenty of possession against an Alty side for whom scoring a goal didn't seem to be a high priority. In fact the visitors often left eight men behind the ball, with Colin Little and the volatile Chris Denham left to forage alone on the counter attack. The prolific Little reminded me of one of those players you often see in five-a-side who still have the skills even though their physical powers are on the wane. Thus he looked quality when he got on the ball, but added little (hoho) to general play, meaning Wayne Hatswell was free to stride forward almost at will to join the attack.

But the occasion too often seemed to get to the players, whose attempts to walk the ball into the net were thwarted time after time. Aside from his glaring miss, Rendell had a centre palmed away by Stuart Coburn as Holroyd waited to pounce, while the roles reversed moments later when Holroyd beat Coburn, but saw his cross cleared away by Warren Peyton with the goal gaping. Several other corners and free kicks came and went, but you never got the feeling that a goal was imminant.

The one player who seemed to be enjoying the day was Coburn, who I seem to remember played a blinder against us last year too. He saved his best for the second half, turning over an effort from Reason (bizarrely the ref gave a goal kick) and finger tipping a Hatswell volley round the post. Rendell headed another good opportunity straight at the keeper when he should've done better, but by then the game was up anyway, despite the good news filtering through from Devon that the Gulls were doing us a favour.

United ended the match with six forwards on the pitch, with Pitt, Crow, and Phillips all joining the action, but it wasn't enough to beat the inspired Coburn, and for a second successive season we will face play-offs. Graham Westley's in-form Stevenage outfit wouldn't have been my opponents of choice, but we've nothing to fear from them, and a repeat of last years 2-1 success at the Lamex would do nicely thank you very much.

Man of the Match: Jai Reason - It's pleasing that both Jai and Paul Carden have been back to something like their best form in the last couple of games. Reason's passing, particularly in the first half, was a joy to behold.




Crap big game merchandise of the Match: Air Horns - Truly hideous things. Whoever invented them needs to be hunted down and taught a lesson. At least foam hands and flags are quiet enough to be ignored.

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Excited yet?

Even by my usual low standards I've hit new levels of non-productivity today.

Sunday is getting closer by the minute, and while I'm trying not to set myself up for a massive disappointment, it's easier said than done.

It's got so bad that I've been trawling the Altrincham site, hoping to find pictures of their players packing their suitcases, and donning their flip flops in preparation for their flight to Lanzarote, or Shagaluf, or wherever else it is that footballers go on their end-of-season holidays.

Unfortunately, all I found was a few words of wisdom from Alty's dour northern manager Graham Heathcote, who appears to be in typically dour northern mood despite his side having successfully avoided relegation in their own right for once.

"I could tell at twenty to eight that their focus and mental shape was a million miles away from what is needed for a game like that (...) Since the Burton game I have been disgusted with so many of our away performances," he growled, referring to their apparent surrender at the feet of Mansfield on Tuesday night.

"They will probably put in a performance at Cambridge this weekend because the cameras will be there. They better had, because otherwise it would be disrespectful to Burton and to all our fans making the journey," he concluded. Sounds like a charming fellow, wish he was my boss.

And with these highly motivational words ringing in their ears, I'm sure the Robins players will be raring to go on Sunday. Even so, we should be able to beat a team with nothing tangible left to play - whether winning will be enough remains to be seen. Bounce bounce!

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AOB: Grounds for Concern

I'll confess that, much to the chagrin of those that know me, my memory isn't the best.

Therefore it's probably not a surprise that, for me, pre-season seems like a lifetime ago. Those of you with a greater degree of mental dexterity will remember that our first pre-season match was away to Kings Lynn. I can't recall much about the game, which featured such luminaries as Matt Halliday, Ramon Calliste, and Pat Bexfield, but what I do remember is that Kings Lynn's stadium, The Walks, is a decent arena for a club of their size.

So I was surprised to see that The Linnets have been demoted from the Conference North this week because their ground doesn't meet the requirements of the league. You may remember that Cambridge City were relegated from the Conference South for similar reasons.

The specific reasons for the demotion seem to be unclear, but I can't for the life of me imagine how that ground can't be suitable for the level of football they're at. That the Conference are kicking them out is endemic of the wider problems surrounding stadium requirements in non-league football. This is not particularly a dig at Histon (for once), but when you see grounds like theirs, Accrington's, and Dagenham's being declared fit for the football league, you wonder what possible basis there can be for expelling the likes of Kings Lynn and City.

This issue extends all the way down the pyramid. Barely a week goes by without the BBC Non-League show featuring some little club from step six or seven who are being relegated because they don't have enough seats, or turnstiles, or whatever. No matter that their average crowd is three men and a dog; you have to comply to these ridiculously high standards or you're out.

In my opinion the whole ground grading system needs to be ripped to pieces and redesigned from the bottom up, with common sense being used rather than strict adhesion to the rules. What I do know is that, as a fan, the match day experience at Kings Lynn is a lot better than at some of the supposedly superior grounds we've visited in the Conference in the last four seasons.

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Sweep sweep

I may have previously suggested on here that Steve Y'Know doesn't seem to do very much at Bridge Road other than give a vaguely respectable face to the John Beck regime.

But I'm coming to realise that he does indeed fulfill an important role for the Villagers - that of chief sweeper. Whenever a problem arises that may be detrimental to their friendly village team image, he picks up his broom and helps Baldwin sweep it under the carpet. In fact, it's probably more crowded under that carpet than it is at your average Histon home game; Craig Pope, his racist remarks, and phantom retirement, are under there, as is Erkan Okay and his drunken behaviour. Now they've also made room for the case of ineligible player Ben Coker, which was highlighted in Sunday's Non-League Paper. For those that haven't seen the story, Histon were fined because Coker, who made one appearance in Stutes colours back in August, did not have the correct international clearance.

"I thought that had all be forgotten about," Y'Know told Radio Cambs this morning during a break in his busy brushing regime. This implies that it may have previously been in the public domain, something we all know is impossible given that our much loved local media rigidly stick to their policy of never printing or broadcasting anything negative about Histon FC. He then added something to the effect of: "I'm sure the FA would always follow the rules to the letter." Is that so Steve? Only you weren't so sure of that when they confirmed something that you didn't like, i.e. that Pope is a nasty racist.

I don't particularly have a problem with the way Histon have been treated in this instance; the case is obviously very different to the problems faced by Oxford, Mansfield, et al. But what does amuse me is their constant state of denial about anything they don't like. Perhaps someone should explain to the Villagers that everyone makes cock ups from time to time, and that attempts to highlight these cock-ups are not necessarily driven by some kind of shadowy agenda that is trying to bring about their demise.

I notice Baldwin is at it again on the BBC website: "It's very unfortunate, but this happened in August, clearly there are some people who would love to see Histon's play-off challenge destabilised with these stories coming out now," he said. I hope the poor little petals aren't scarred too badly by this scandalous persecution. After all, they are only a village team.

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White's:1 U's:2

What a wonderful footballing weekend we've just had. Burton lost, United won, and Rio Ferdinand was solely responsible for Man Utd exiting the FA Cup and therefore not winning the quadruple. No fist pumping celebrations or retarded whooping in the Ferdinand household this weekend, what a pity.

And back in January, who would have thought that we'd be going into the final day of the season a potential 90 minutes away from the Blue Square Premier title? Not me that's for sure, and in fact, I think I even doubted that we had the quality to get into the play-offs.

But in the play-offs we will most certainly be, regardless of what happens next Sunday, and that is of great credit to the Brabinator, Cards, and Bimmo, who have done a very decent job in their first season in charge. It's a shame that we don't have a few more goals (or indeed points) on the board to really put some pressure on Burton, because as it stands the Brewers still look odds-on favourites for the title, but it's by no means impossible that we could all be very very happy by this time next week.

Salisbury is a very pleasant little town, although if you went directly to the stadium you would not know this, as the Raymond McEnhill (a former chairman, if you were wondering) ground is located way out of town, amongst the council houses and industrial units of Old Sarum.

Perhaps the stadium has been plonked in the middle of nowhere because the Salisbury-ites are a bit embarrassed by their side, who have recovered from their mid-season financial problems to regain their previous guise as a niggly bunch of divers. I've never seen 11 players sustain so many facial injuries in such a short period of time yet never require sustained treatment. Very strange.

The first half was fairly even, with United's extra bit of class in front of goal ensuring that we went into the break a goal to the good. Scott Rendell should've given us the lead when he met a cross from Holroyd but was denied by stretching Whites keeper James Bittner. The rebound came back to Scotty, who could only head it onto the top of the bar with the goal gaping. Our top scorer has been a bit below par in recent weeks, and had he been in top form I'm sure he would have put the initial chance away.

He made no mistake moments later though, slotting home from eight yards after Holroyd had latched on to a precise Parkinson through ball and delivered a low cross from the left. It was the culmination of a spell of pressure from the U's, which saw us win - and waste - several corners and free kicks in good positions.

Meanwhile our defence seemed to be making a conscious effort to ignore Salisbury's 20-odd goal top scorer Charlie Griffin, and the porky striker missed two great chances to equalise before he finally found the net. A theatrical fall from Tubbs on the right won a free kick, which Daryl Clarke landed perfectly on Griffins bald bonce, and his header found the far corner of Danny Potter's net. Football's a simple game innit. 1-1.

Home keeper James Bittner had been enduring the taunts of the travelling U's fans with good humour, and clearly enjoyed the goal, directing a clenched fist celebration at his tormentors. He wasn't so happy just before the break to be picking the ball out of his net again; this time Reason was the architect, surging forward and delaying his pass until the very last moment and slipping it through to Parky. The wingers angled shot may have been heading in anyway, but a deflection off Pearce took it over Bittner's diving body and high into net. 2-1.

By comparison the second half was a bit of a let down, with United looking nervous as they presumably contemplated the prospect of a final day, super Sunday shoot out. Of course winning was the most important thing, but another goal or two should've been possible had we continued in the vein of the first half.

Salisbury failed to make an impression on the United defence, despite a whole load of possession, and the closest they came to a goal was a Griffin free header over the bar. On the break United still looked the more likely scorers, mainly through Holroyd, who in my opinion is fast becoming our most important attacking player. He glanced a header into the keepers hands just after the restart, and later in the match rounded Bittner but saw his shot cleared off the line by Fowler. In between times Rendell slid a shot wide, and Hatswell was off-target with an attempted overhead kick.

But generally our final delivery was poor, and possession was surrendered far too easily on numerous occasions. By the time the final whistle came it was something of a relief, and if we are to record the required margin of victory against Altrincham cooler heads will certainly be required. Bring it on.

Man of the Match: Chris Holroyd. No one in white could get near him all afternoon.







Celebrity sighting of the Match: Russell Brand, who joined the action at half time playing under the pseudonym Rob Sinclair. No sign of Jonathan Ross though.

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He must have a foot like a traction engine

We've all done things that we look back on in future years and regret profusely. Ben from The Apprentice, for example, will surely rue his decision to continue wearing braces throughout the recording of the show. That and acting like a total, er, banker.

Personally I'm already ashamed of the moment last night when I turned on my radio. It was a schoolboy error, and while I'd like to say my hand slipped and accidentally tuned it to Radio Cambs, I'd be lying. I wanted to see how the Villagers were getting on against Ebbsfleet, and was just in time to hear details of their latest comeback victory.

Those details flowed forth from the ever-eloquent mouth of Stutes commentator Dave Remnant. Now I've made my views on this extremely strange man clear before, and putting the boot in again when he is so obviously terrible at his job would seem needlessly cruel, a bit like stealing a small childs milky bar then punching them in the face for good measure. Fortunately Radio Cambridgeshire seem to have managed to find someone even more inept to be Remnant's sidekick, presumably in a misguided attempt to make their main commentator look good.

I don't know what the new mans name is, but be assured that he is more Alan Partridge than Alan Green. While I was listening Remnant commented that a player went "round the outside", only for his stooge to mimick "round the outside, round the outside", and chuckle to himself as he recalled the Malcolm McClaren song from back in the day. A bemused silence from Remnant followed. Then after Histon scored their fourth and made it 4-2, he proceeded to tell us that Ebbsfleet would need "two goals to draw, and three to take the lead". Partridge would be proud of such cutting analysis.

The result itself puts that other lot back in the play-off reckoning, and personally I'd rather they limped into the top five than some in-form side like Stevenage or Oxford. Nevertheless, we need the fake U's to do the business for us tonight, so I think I speak for us all when I say: OXFORD OXFORD RA RA RA!

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The Pitt-falls of dropping Courtney

Who likes my pun-tastic headline? I literally spent minutes thinking it up, I'm sure that job on The Sun will be mine one day. Perhaps.

My better half is the president, chairman, treasurer, and probably only member of the Courtney Pitt fan club. It was very much a case of love at first sight, as she marked him out as a player to watch on his debut four years ago, and has been his number one fan ever since. I'm not entirely sure whether it's his dazzling wing play, over-sized shorts, or smily little face that are the main attraction, although I'm guessing it's a combination of all three.

Anyway, her fanatacism unearthed an interesting statistic recently which seems to suggest that when Courts plays, we usually do a lot better than when he's sidelined. Since he returned from his long injury at the beginning of December, our record in games he's started is P17 W11 D5 L1. When he's been benched, or out of the squad altogether, our form is much less impressive: P10 W4 D1 L5.

Make of that what you will, but for me the message to the Brabinator is an obvious one; if you want promotion you need to make sure you pick the Pitt!

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A blog post that's trying its best to be realistic... but failing

Having suffered that unfortunate defeat at Stevenage last week, I didn't expect to be returning from my belated mid-season break to find United still in with a shout of winning the league.

It may only be an itsy bitsy teeny weeny yellow polkadot bikini, I mean, er, shout, but it's there nevertheless, and means I can continue to live in my optimistic bubble for at least a couple more days.

And is it really that unrealistic to expect Burton to lose against Oxford, the divisions form side of the last three months, and Torquay, who will most probably need points to secure their own place in top five? I don't think it is, especially when you consider that Burton's record against teams in the top half since RMac took over is as follows: P9 W3 D1 L5. And when you also consider that the three wins came against fellow wobblers Wrexham and Histon, and an Eastbourne side with nothing to play for, you begin to realise that we're actually a shoo-in for the title. Put that champagne on ice folks.

Ahem, anyway, back in the real world they'll probably get the single point they need for the title, and United will be stuck in the play-offs again. Still, if reports of Monday's win at Kettering are to be believed, the team appear to have rediscovered their mojo at just the right time. That's if the Brabinator doesn't make any more rogue team changes of course - I can't have been the only one who groaned when they saw that one-paced line up for the Eastbourne match. Ok, so we got away with it in the end, but I hope that's the last we see of 4-3-3 this season; with Pitt and Willmott both finding a bit of form, and Parky getting back up to speed, employing such a narrow formation is not the way forward in my opinion.

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It's like rain on your wedding day...

How's this for ironic; Whereas most United fans will stay away from Stevenage for as long as possible, arriving in just enough time for tonights match, I have been stuck in the armpit of the East all day, yet will be leaving a couple of hours before the game kicks off. It's like a death row pardon, two minutes too late.

Thanks to this pathetic division we inhabit, and the bizarre practice of moving league games in defference to the FA stupid pointless Trophy, I will be somewhere below the floor of English Channel come kick off time. Lets hope United don't end up with a sinking feeling, and indeed they'll need to up their game somewhat if they're to get a result at the Lamex Stadium (haha, lame-x).

The news that the Brabinator is "plotting changes" doesn't exactly inspire me with confidence. Although the players did look a bit weary on Saturday, our good run has co-incided with our leader sticking to a settled line up, and a return to his tinkering ways would be a step backwards in my opinion. Still, if we could get Glees back in the side it would be a boost - I don't really fancy Ainge or Challinor facing up to the chavy skilz of Mitchell Cole.

I'm on holiday for a week now, and hope to return to news of our renewed title push. Having seen Torquay comfortably dispatch a woeful Burton side last night, our defeat to Forest Green doesn't necessarily have to be a fatal blow to our title challenge. We can only live in hope, bounce bounce!

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U's:0 FGR:1

I know it's not especially helpful to think in terms of what if's, given that we're second in the league and look set fair for another run at the play-off's.

But as Burton continue to wobble like a marmite-flavoured jelly, you can't help but wonder what would have happened if we'd held onto a couple of the leads we threw away earlier in the season. Of if we'd have put away a couple of the five or six clear chances we spurned in yesterday's game.

As it is our chances of winning the title seem to have receded after yesterday's surrender to Forest Green. I'd like to think we can still overhaul the Brewers, but with games running out Torquay look more likely challengers to Roy Macfarland's men, especially if they can beat them at the Pirelli Stadium tomorrow night.

Jim Harvey's team were worthy winners in a match that reminded me a fair bit of the clash with Stafford at the end of last season; United didn't play well at any stage, and while we went close to scoring on several occasions, our attacking play always lacked a bit of conviction, and the visitors were able to find space in midfield seemingly at will, with neither Carden nor Reason asserting themselves as we know they can.

Most of the visitors best moves came down our right flank, with Simon Ainge enduring the worst home debut by a United player since Trevor Robinson first strode proudly onto the Abbey turf. Ainge looked vaguely better when he moved to centre back to replace the injured Bolland, but one hopes he can and will improve with match practice. In front of him, Parky was making his first start of 2009, but looked decidedly rusty, and Forest Green took full advantage, playing their usual patient brand of passing football.

Veteran striker David Brown was at the heart of a lot of their best moves, and it took a good interception from Bolly to deny Andy Mangan after a clever Brown pass had put him in on goal. It was only a temporary reprieve though, as moments later Mangan found more space in the area, accelerated away from Ainge and lofted the ball over the advancing Potter and into the far corner. Blast. 1-0.

Rendell should have given us the lead prior to this, but missed the target from a good position, with the ball screwing off his boot and almost going out for a throw in. With neither of the wingers doing much of note, our biggest threat was the pace of Holroyd, and he perhaps should have had a penalty when he cut inside Lee Ayres and fell under challenge. Unfortunately the ref deemed it to be a dive and booked the former Chester man for diving; I was too far away to see whether or not this was merited, but to my not-biased-at-all eye it looked like a stick-on pen.

Anyway, Terry Burton made a good save to deny Tonkin, but all too often the Rovers keeper was left to simply pluck crosses out of the sky, with United's final ball letting them down too often.

The second half started a bit more promisingly, with Hatswell heading against the bar and Reason volleying over from the rebound when he really should have hit the target at least. Forest Green still looked dangerous on the break, with the livewire Mangan almost breaking through on a couple of occasions, but by and large they let United have the ball as frustration grew on the terraces.

Danny Crow made a lively appearance off the subs bench, and it was his pass that put Carden in the clear on the left. But as the skipper got to the byline, his low centre zipped across the six yard box, eluding Rendell, Holroyd, and Willmott in the process. At this point you began to get the feeling United would never score, and Rendell was unlucky to see a great overhead effort cleared off the line, while Burton blocked efforts from our top scorer and substitute Darryl McMahon. Then right at the death Holroyd found some space, accelerated into the box, but with Rendell screaming for a pass unmarked to his left, the young striker blazed a poor shot over the bar, and in one moment summed up United's afternoon.

The defeat itself isn't the end of the world, but it could have been avoided, and you wonder whether Brabin's tinkering had an effect on the performance. Although neither Challinor nor Pitt excelled against Woking, was there really any need to change a winning team? Especially to install a new right sided partnership (Ainge and Parky) that had previously started one game between them this season. We can only hope that Glees and Bolly won't be on the sidelines for too long, as our defensive cupboard is looking a bit bare at present.

Man of the Match: Anthony Tonkin - Not a huge selection of good candidates to choose from, but Tonker was solid at the back and gave us a bit of drive down the left.

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Fools fools, and more fools

I was considering some kind of April Fools Day prankery for the blog today, but decided against it because;

a) It's past 12 noon, and common convention states that anyone who tries to play a joke after lunch time is labelled the "April Fool" themselves.

and

b) Newcastle have already come up with the best April fools joke ever by suggesting that Alan Shearer (left) will be their next manager. I can't believe so many media outlets have fallen for it.

Also showing themselves to be a bunch of jokers today are Hertfordshire Police, who have issued the following statement today ahead of United's trip to Chavsville next Tuesday:

HERTFORDSHIRE CONSTABULARY are issuing advice to Cambridge United supporters ahead of the match against Stevenage Borough Football Club on Tuesday, April 7.

The game is being held at the Stevenage Borough ground, and over 1,600 tickets have been allocated to Cambridge United supporters.

Chief Inspector Mark Canning said: "Initially 1,400 tickets were allocated to Cambridge fans; this has now been increased by another 250 due to demand. This is the maximum ticket allocation and there will be no tickets for sale to Cambridge fans on the evening of the match.

We want both sets of fans to be able to enjoy the match and I am urging Cambridge fans not to travel to Stevenage if they do not have a ticket."

Statements like this always make me chuckle for a couple of reasons. Firstly because it's totally pointless; I know they have to be seen to be doing something, but how likely is it that any United fans who were planning to infiltrate the Stevenage end will now think "hang on, better stay at home now the police have asked us nicely not to go".

But moreover, they could avoid any chance of trouble by simply making the whole stadium all ticket. Even though this would be by far the most logical solution, it won't happen because Stevenage won't want to lose the income from the proportion of their fans that can't be bothered to book a ticket in advance for what, after all, isn't a particularly important game in the grand scheme of things.

Since we've been in the Conference it's become apparent that police advice only has to be obeyed as long as it's not more profitable to do otherwise. You may remember that the kick off time for our game at Histon two years ago was moved by the police, then moved back again because it was more convenient for Setanta. There's something a bit wrong about that in my opinion, and while I'm sure there won't be any bother at next Tuesday's game, if there is then it's about time some of the people who make these rules took a long, hard, look at themselves.

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