U's:4 Eurostar:0

One day our team will learn to play decent football for 90 minutes. And when that day arrives, we may have a realistic chance of promotion.

In our current state we will continue to get results against terrible teams like Ebbsfleet, and even (I'll whisper it quietly) mediocre ones like the Villagers. But you have to think that anyone half decent is going to beat us fairly comfortably, and the sluggishness which, once again, afflicted our play in the first period of Saturday's match needs to be eradicated, and fast.

And lets not make any bones about it, Ebbsfleet were terrible. It amazes me that you still hear people saying things like "the Conference is a really competitive league" and "the standard in this league is higher than ever", when it clearly isn't. There may some relatively big teams at the top of the table, but there is certainly a lot more dross at the bottom than there was a couple of years ago.

Before the game we were serenaded by a samba band, presumably brought in to welcome Fleet's absent striker, and former United loanee, Mango Vieira. It didn't inspire any of the players to do anything vaguely Brazilian in a first half lower on quality than the latest U2 album. Fleet probably had the better of things, and striker Luis Cumbers had a shot blocked by Danny Potter, while tricky winger Ismael Welsh blazed over after a typically mazy dribble. Potter was also forced into one brilliant save, clawing away a dipping shot from Scott Shulton that looked goalbound.

United had threatened sporadically from set pieces, but it came as something of a surprise when we took the lead just before half time. Jai Reason, who put in a much improved performance compared to some of his recent displays, threaded a pass through for Chris Holroyd, who reached the ball ahead of Lance Cronin, skipped past the stranded keeper, and delived a cross to the far post, where the Pittster made a predigious leap to head the ball into the unguarded net.

Judging by Courtney's bonce-rubbing celebration, he hadn't scored a header for a while, but it was just reward for his performances since returning from transfer-listed exile. The winger was at his unplayable best in the second half, displaying his full array of dribbles, tricks, and flicks. In the 53rd minute he was much too quick for Paul McCarthy, turning and being brought down by the Fleet player/coach. Super Chris, whose penalties are beginning to assume the metronomic quality of Scott Rendell's, slotted away the spot kick high to Cronin's left. 2-0.

Shortly afterwards another Pitt run and cross set up a chance for Tonks, who swept his shot over the bar from just inside the box, and after that the game descended into a lull until the final ten minutes, when United put some, perhaps undeserved, gloss on the scoreline. First Pitt was at it again, releasing Willmott with a superb defence splitting pass. Young Robbie kept his cool, held off a defender, and slotted past the keeper via the inside of the post. But the best goal was certainly the last, which stemmed from some good play from subs Sam Ives and Lee Phillips. Picking up an Ives pass, big Phil juggled the ball on the edge of the area, before unleashing a tremendous half volley which rattled the underside of the bar. The ball rebounded to Crowy on the opposite corner of the box, and he took his time and lined up a curling shot which dipped over Cronin and into the far corner. Superb strike. 4-0.

As I say, I think the final score was slightly flattering, but on their second half performance there's no doubt United were worthy winners. We can only hope this result will herald some improved consistency from Lingy's charges.

Man of the Match: Courtney Pitt - Scored one and made two to cap a sparkling performance.





Slightly homo-erotic ritual of the match: Fleet giants Leon Crooks and Darius Charles were indulging in a bout of shadow boxing just prior to kick off. It was very cute.

Read more...

He must have a foot like a traction engine

We've all done things that we look back on in future years and regret profusely. Ben from The Apprentice, for example, will surely rue his decision to continue wearing braces throughout the recording of the show. That and acting like a total, er, banker.

Personally I'm already ashamed of the moment last night when I turned on my radio. It was a schoolboy error, and while I'd like to say my hand slipped and accidentally tuned it to Radio Cambs, I'd be lying. I wanted to see how the Villagers were getting on against Ebbsfleet, and was just in time to hear details of their latest comeback victory.

Those details flowed forth from the ever-eloquent mouth of Stutes commentator Dave Remnant. Now I've made my views on this extremely strange man clear before, and putting the boot in again when he is so obviously terrible at his job would seem needlessly cruel, a bit like stealing a small childs milky bar then punching them in the face for good measure. Fortunately Radio Cambridgeshire seem to have managed to find someone even more inept to be Remnant's sidekick, presumably in a misguided attempt to make their main commentator look good.

I don't know what the new mans name is, but be assured that he is more Alan Partridge than Alan Green. While I was listening Remnant commented that a player went "round the outside", only for his stooge to mimick "round the outside, round the outside", and chuckle to himself as he recalled the Malcolm McClaren song from back in the day. A bemused silence from Remnant followed. Then after Histon scored their fourth and made it 4-2, he proceeded to tell us that Ebbsfleet would need "two goals to draw, and three to take the lead". Partridge would be proud of such cutting analysis.

The result itself puts that other lot back in the play-off reckoning, and personally I'd rather they limped into the top five than some in-form side like Stevenage or Oxford. Nevertheless, we need the fake U's to do the business for us tonight, so I think I speak for us all when I say: OXFORD OXFORD RA RA RA!

Read more...

U's:1 Fleet:0

I feel like I’ve already written this report several times this season: Dominated possession, blah blah, missed a lot of chances blah blah, unadventurous opposition never looked like scoring blah blah blah.

The slight difference between Saturday’s game and the succession of 1-0’s that came before it was that United looked like a more cohesive side. Usually the defence is the only part of the team which functions as a proper unit, but during the Ebbsfleet match the midfield and attack were also linking effectively, thanks largely to the presence of one S.Rendell up front.

We can only hope that the Brabinator can keep Scotty beyond January 1, as having a player like him makes a world of difference. He held onto the ball well, brought others into play effectively, and won numerous flick-ons. And of course he scores goals. It’s all very well Brabin saying that “things haven’t been falling for us in the box”, as he did after the game, but I think it’s more to do with the fact that none of our other strikers have been getting in the sort of positions Rendell takes up.

The goal was a prime example of this. A corner from the right skimmed off a few heads to Hatswell, who turned and fired a low shot across goal that was going wide until Scotty raced in at the far post to ram it home.



United were good value for their half time advantage, and Danny Crow, who enjoyed probably his best game in a Cambridge shirt, should have given us the lead when he headed the ball past a defender, sprinted clear on goal, but hit his shot straight at Lance Cronin, who to his credit made a good reaction save.

With the defence marshalling the now-slimmed down Michael Gash adroitly, Danny Potter enjoyed a quiet afternoon, and although Fleet forced quite a few corners, none of them came to anything of note.

Most of United’s efforts were off-target, with Carden and Willmott dragging shots wide. A nice one-two between Rendell and Crow almost fashioned a chance for the latter, but he was crowded out before he could get a shot away.

The second half commenced with a Gleeson header from a corner which Cronin turned onto the bar, while Crow almost notched a superb goal following an incisive breakaway by Jardim. The winger accelerated down the left, running about 40 yards before sending over a deep cross. Carden met the ball on the half volley, sending it back across goal where Crow slid in and was inches away from connecting.

Willmott had a frustrating afternoon generally, running down more blind alleys than a myopic mouse. In the 71st minute he was replaced by the returning legend that is Courtney Pitt, much to the delight of most of the crowd. The Pittster’s first contribution was to lift a free kick over the cross bar, and he could have crowned his comeback with a goal when he raced past James Smith, brilliantly controlled a long ball but blazed his shot over the bar. Oh well, you can’t expect everything to be perfect all at once.


There was also time for Rendell to be booked for a dive, after what looked like a fairly innocent collision between himself, the keeper, and a defender, but despite throwing a few extra players forward, Ebbsfleet were unable to fashion a chance in the closing stages, and United closed out the game fairly comfortably. Just call us the Arsenal of the Conference.

Man of the Match: Scott Rendell – It was like he’d never been away.

Comment of the Match: Liam Daish tells it like it is: “We had to be brave out there and prepared to make mistakes in the final third. If myself, Alan Kimble, Paul Wilson the physio and Ian Docker had been out there in place of Cambridge's back line we would have been in control because we were too static.”

Read more...

Quinn in

Anyone who has read/seen the second Harry Potter book/film may remember the character of Gilderoy Lockhart, played in the movie by Kenneth Branagh. There’s a great scene where Harry goes into his office and sees that the walls are covered with thousands of pictures of Gilderoy himself carrying out heroic deeds.

For some reason I can just imagine Jimmy Quinn decorating his office in a similar fashion. Upon his arrival in Bournemouth this week, our former manager demonstrated that a summer of unemployment has done little to dent his ample self-esteem:

"I was leading goalscorer [for the Cherries in 91/92] if anybody can remember that far back," he told the BBC, while arranging his Northern Ireland international caps in a glass case and unpacking his stock of brown envelopes.

“I've got a reputation for going into clubs when they've been struggling and although this is going to be a tough job, I'm confident I can do my bit and keep them in League Two. The past three jobs I've taken on, the clubs have been rock bottom and I've got them back,” he added in the Bournemouth Echo, failing to mention that none of his last three clubs were on -15 points when he took the reigns.

I wish the best of luck to Quinn, who did a good job last year regardless of the manner in which he left. There’s no doubt he’s a decent manager when he has time and money to put together a team, but we shouldn’t forget that, when asked to work with an inherited squad in 06/07, he only just kept us up by the skin of his teeth. And unless Bournemouth have a Robbie Simpson-alike waiting in the wings I suspect JQ may be plying his trade in the Conference again in the near future.

Hopefully United won’t be there to see it, and we picked up another good point at Ebbsfleet on Tuesday. I wasn’t there, and won’t be at the Wrexham game this weekend as I’m going to a wedding. Who gets married during the football season anyway? I should’ve asked them to reschedule…

Read more...