Chris off - Holroyd move to Brighton back on?

It's been quite a day for revelations.

First we had Tony Blair declaring that he'd invade Iraq all over again if he had to - no surprise there perhaps. Then it was revealed that England's brave John Terry ((c) The Fiver) is the player who slapped (not literally I hope) a leading tabloid with a super-injunction to block them from printing sordid revelations about his private life. Sounds like JT will have some bridges to rebuild with his England pals, ahem.

And finally we have Chris Holroyd's on/off/on/off/on/off/zzzzzzzzzz move to Brighton, which, despite being declared dead in the water earlier today by their version of the CEN, appears to now be back on again. You gotta love local papers, haven't you? A story also appeared on our official site, then was taken down again shortly afterwards, possibly an indication of somebody jumping the gun in announcing the news. In any case, it would seem that it is finally a done deal. Maybe.

And it's probably best for all involved that Chrissy goes now. Admittedly our goal threat will be seriously depleted, but I'm not sure what sort of contribution he would have made had he been waiting around for a summer move. You may remember that Stuart Fleetwood's goal tally at Forest Green dropped off after Christmas a couple of years ago, when it became clear he would be moving on. I expect that even if a player is trying his best, subconsciously you must hang back a bit in fear of injuring yourself and ruining a potential big move.

The only problem with this saga having dragged on for so long is that Lingy now only has three days to secure a replacement. Hopefully he already has some targets in mind.

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An ice little earner?

The longer this wintry weather lasts, the more and more retarded the general public seem to be getting. On the radio this morning some bloke had called in to wonder why we don't deal with snow as well as countries like Norway? There are no words, really.

Even those resourceful Nordic types would have struggled to ready a pitch in time for United's match against Eastbourne tomorrow, which has long since been postponed. Not for the first time I'm find myself glad that I don't work for Radio Cambridgeshire, who have to fill a four-hour sports show tomorrow afternoon despite all the local action having been called off. I look forward to live reports from the Wisbeach and district Table Tennis club, or perhaps the Huntingdonshire Judo association. Good luck with that folks.

One suspects the rearranged date of next Tuesday for our FA Trophy showdown is a bit optimistic too, but we'll have to wait and see. And seeing as there isn't a game it leaves Lingy, Cardy, and Jez George free to continue their direct marketing campaign to flog Chris Holroyd.

"If I was a betting man, I probably wouldn't put any money on Chris being here beyond January," Cardy told Radio Cambs, while hanging a big For Sale sign around the 17-goal hitman's neck. "There’s no pressure for players to leave, but we’ve got to make sure whatever deal we do that it’s in the best interest of Cambridge United," added Jez. "But if Chris goes it won’t be for anything under our valuation unless it's gets near the end of the window and we haven't had any bids."

I might have made that last bit up, but the fact remains that the comments in the press this week make it fairly clear we want to get Holroyd off the books this month, and in that respect it makes sense to try and start a bidding war, or at least a small bidding skirmish. But there's a fine line between talking things up and looking desperate, and the United management will have to be careful that they don't make their desire to cash in on Super Chris too apparent, otherwise his value will start plummeting quicker than the temperature.

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Hol-ding on to super Chris

I've had an enjoyable week so far chuckling at other peoples misfortunes.

Targets of my mirth have included the scummers, mired as they are deep in the relegation zone; Liverpool, for putting themselves in a position where their only striking options not named Torres are David Ngog or Andrei Voronin; Newcastle, for coming up with a worse name for their ground than the Trade Recruitment Stadium; and Histon for, er, well, where do you start. I fear that some kind of footballing karma is going to come and bite me in the ass this weekend when United make a pigs ear of dispatching Ilkeston.

And even if we do get past the Blue Square Norf'ers, bad times are surely just around the corner, as the clock is ticking down to the opening of the transfer window when Chrissy Holroyd will surely be hot footing it towards pastures new.

"I’ve got no concerns about it. We’re still two months away from the window opening, so at this moment in time it hasn’t really entered my head," the cool, calm, and collected sounding Linguist said of his top scorer, who has today been linked with a move to Bournemouth or Norwich. Admittedly this link has been made up unearthed by that bastion of investigative journalism The Daily Star, but you would assume there must be a fair bit of interest in our 14-goal hitman.

Personally I can't see him being a United player come February 1. Our over-budgetness is well publicised, and while it would be nice to think that if we're still in with a shout of the play-offs after Christmas we could keep hold of him until the end of the season, any decent offer will surely see the board cash in. I'm sure the player himself would welcome a move back to the north, given that he stated in his programme interview earlier this season that his favourite place in the world to be is "driving down the M6 on my way home."

In terms of cash, I guess we can expect £50k - £80k in total. I'd be happy with the latter, but suspect any fee will be nearer the former. What is for certain is that if he stays till the summer and any move goes to a tribunal, we are unlikely be looked upon favourably. It's all very well for Ling to talk about the "protection" afforded to us by Chrissy being under-24, but seeing as we essentially brought him as fully grown player I'm sure we'd be looking at a rerun of the Robbie Simpson situation.

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Chester:2 U's:4 - Goals glorious goals

I take it everyone has viewed Chrissy Holroyd's spectacular second in our 4-2 win at Chester on Saturday. Even if you've already seen it, watch it again, because it's pretty damn sexy.

I wasn't at the game so don't have too many comments to make, other than that I won't be getting too excited about our early season form just yet. We've seen off two fairly shambolic teams in the last couple of games, and our match tomorrow night against Steve Evans’ Crawley Town will give us a more realistic picture of where we’re at.

So in the absence of any match analysis, and in honour of Super Chris’s wonder strike, here are the best five United goals I’ve witnessed live. When I say best I’m talking in terms of individual technique and/or team play, rather than importance.

5: Trevor Benjamin v Brighton (A). March 21 1998. Poor old Trev, now reduced to trekking around godforsaken non-league outposts such as Tamworth to get a game. He’s capable of so much better, as he showed with this goal. Taking the ball on his chest just outside the area, he span and volleyed past the unsighted keeper. Sadly I don’t think any footage of it exists, but trust me, it was a thing of great beauty.

4: Mark Beesley v Rushden and Diamonds (A). April 8 2008. An awesome team goal started by Courtney Pitt on the edge of his own box. He ran practically the entire length of the pitch before offloading to Boylan, who in turn helped it on to Wolleaston. His superb first time pass put Beesley in, and the ex-Forest Green man finished with aplomb, chipping the ball across the keeper into the far corner. Cue a massive mental in the United end.

3: Tes Bramble v Wycombe (H). March 19 2005. There wasn’t much to remember about the relegation season of 2004/05, but young Tesfaye’s goal would have graced any game anywhere in the world.

2: Dan Chillingworth v Brentford (H). December 26 2001. The goal which probably formed the highpoint of Chilli’s United career. During most of his apperances he seemed incapable of doing more than one thing (ie moving and controlling a football) at once, yet for this goal he someone managed to combine all the attributes of a top striker, culminating in a great finish on the run to secure a boxing day triumph for John Taylor’s team.

1: Alex Russell v Port Vale (H). September 12 2000. Has there ever been a better week to be a United fan? Probably, but it didn’t feel like it at the time. After a 6-1 win over Rotherham on the Saturday, Roy Mac’s men demolished Port Vale 4-0 on the Tuesday, with Russell’s goal the pick of the ten. Following a Vale corner, Perez bowled the ball out to McAnespie, whose pinpoint crossfield pass found Russell rampaging down the left. Cutting in from the flank, he curled a beauty from outside the box over the keeper and into the far corner. It doesn’t seem to be on YouTube, but I have it on video somewhere for posterity.

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Brabin in

The words continuity and Cambridge United usually go together like MP's and honesty, Bono and modesty, or Trevor Robinson and footballer.

But with the news that the Brabinator isn't going to Blackpool (and let's face it, who would want to, have you been there lately?), we're hopefully set fair for a turmoil free summer.

"I'm in work as usual and I had players in yesterday sorting things out for next season."I'm speaking to the players in a certain order," said our leader, brandishing Super Chris's newly signed contract extension. "I'll have more in today and I'll be speaking to others on the telephone."

Judging by that picture on the official site, I'm not sure that the Brabinator even knows how to operate a phone, but no matter, let's hope he's been perfecting his best Alan Sugar impression so that he can fire a few of the less able members of the squad. With most of our key players on contract, it should be the case of getting rid of some of the dross and picking up a couple of additions.

It'd be nice to lose McMahon and Challinor, and sign Reason permanently. Getting rid of Challinor may prove tricky, as he's under contract, but there's bound to be some mug, I mean wise manager, out there who'll take him off our hands. We'll probably need a central defender as well, because Bolly will presumably be back off to the frozen north so he can teach his newborn child the art of fouling strikers without the ref noticing. But assuming there are no surprise departures, and we can get Phillips/another big striker signed up, the rest of the squad seems to take care of itself.

Examples of teams which are thrown together and enjoy instant success are few and far between, so lets hope we can perservere with an evolution rather than revolution approach. Although the last couple of summers have been quite exciting in a way, I'll be quite happy if we don't hear much from the club until the pre-season friendlies kick in.

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It's nearly here...

Are you nervous yet? I myself didn't sleep very well last night, although I think that had more to do with the late dinner we had at Anatolia than any kind of Wembley-related anxiety.

Apparently some people have been taking their mind off the match by distributing an army of gnomes around the city. Whatever floats your boat I suppose - I'm just hoping that the amber army dwarfs the support from Torquay, and that Gary Brabin pixies the right team for the occasion.

The elf (sorry) of Danny Potter seems to be a bit of a concern ahead of tomorrow's match, with the club having drafted in Adam Bartlett to provide experienced cover. Obviously you'd prefer not to have to change your keeper for the most important game of the season, but Bartlett comes highly rated and I'm sure will do a decent job if called upon.

Knowing the Brabinator's predeliction for tinkering, I wouldn't put it past him to decide that now is the time to unleash his new 2-1-3-1-3 reverse Christmas tree sweeper formation. But assuming he doesn't have a brain storm, the team mostly picks itself, save for two positions: the left wing and up front.

It's probably a straight fight between the Pitt and Parky for the left flank role. I'm a big fan of Courtney, so would probably stick with him from the start, with Parky to come off the bench if required. The latter has rarely been very effective when starting a game anyway, and it having a natural left-footer offers much better balance. We can only hope that the Pittster has one of his good days if he does play.

Up front I guess Brabin is likely to stick with Rendell and Phillips, but I think that I would bring Holroyd back at the expense of the ex-Torquay striker. The Gulls defenders are big boys, and seemed to cope well with Histon's strong arm tactics in the second leg of their play-off semi final. So it would seem to me that the pace of Holroyd is more likely to trouble them than the power of Phillips. Plus the big pitch at Wembley would give super Chris plenty of space in which to operate.

Whoever plays, let's hope they perform a bit better than the shambles of last season. I think I can (just about) handle us losing again, so long as we do ourselves justice this time. Que se ra, se ra, and all that.

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White's:1 U's:2

What a wonderful footballing weekend we've just had. Burton lost, United won, and Rio Ferdinand was solely responsible for Man Utd exiting the FA Cup and therefore not winning the quadruple. No fist pumping celebrations or retarded whooping in the Ferdinand household this weekend, what a pity.

And back in January, who would have thought that we'd be going into the final day of the season a potential 90 minutes away from the Blue Square Premier title? Not me that's for sure, and in fact, I think I even doubted that we had the quality to get into the play-offs.

But in the play-offs we will most certainly be, regardless of what happens next Sunday, and that is of great credit to the Brabinator, Cards, and Bimmo, who have done a very decent job in their first season in charge. It's a shame that we don't have a few more goals (or indeed points) on the board to really put some pressure on Burton, because as it stands the Brewers still look odds-on favourites for the title, but it's by no means impossible that we could all be very very happy by this time next week.

Salisbury is a very pleasant little town, although if you went directly to the stadium you would not know this, as the Raymond McEnhill (a former chairman, if you were wondering) ground is located way out of town, amongst the council houses and industrial units of Old Sarum.

Perhaps the stadium has been plonked in the middle of nowhere because the Salisbury-ites are a bit embarrassed by their side, who have recovered from their mid-season financial problems to regain their previous guise as a niggly bunch of divers. I've never seen 11 players sustain so many facial injuries in such a short period of time yet never require sustained treatment. Very strange.

The first half was fairly even, with United's extra bit of class in front of goal ensuring that we went into the break a goal to the good. Scott Rendell should've given us the lead when he met a cross from Holroyd but was denied by stretching Whites keeper James Bittner. The rebound came back to Scotty, who could only head it onto the top of the bar with the goal gaping. Our top scorer has been a bit below par in recent weeks, and had he been in top form I'm sure he would have put the initial chance away.

He made no mistake moments later though, slotting home from eight yards after Holroyd had latched on to a precise Parkinson through ball and delivered a low cross from the left. It was the culmination of a spell of pressure from the U's, which saw us win - and waste - several corners and free kicks in good positions.

Meanwhile our defence seemed to be making a conscious effort to ignore Salisbury's 20-odd goal top scorer Charlie Griffin, and the porky striker missed two great chances to equalise before he finally found the net. A theatrical fall from Tubbs on the right won a free kick, which Daryl Clarke landed perfectly on Griffins bald bonce, and his header found the far corner of Danny Potter's net. Football's a simple game innit. 1-1.

Home keeper James Bittner had been enduring the taunts of the travelling U's fans with good humour, and clearly enjoyed the goal, directing a clenched fist celebration at his tormentors. He wasn't so happy just before the break to be picking the ball out of his net again; this time Reason was the architect, surging forward and delaying his pass until the very last moment and slipping it through to Parky. The wingers angled shot may have been heading in anyway, but a deflection off Pearce took it over Bittner's diving body and high into net. 2-1.

By comparison the second half was a bit of a let down, with United looking nervous as they presumably contemplated the prospect of a final day, super Sunday shoot out. Of course winning was the most important thing, but another goal or two should've been possible had we continued in the vein of the first half.

Salisbury failed to make an impression on the United defence, despite a whole load of possession, and the closest they came to a goal was a Griffin free header over the bar. On the break United still looked the more likely scorers, mainly through Holroyd, who in my opinion is fast becoming our most important attacking player. He glanced a header into the keepers hands just after the restart, and later in the match rounded Bittner but saw his shot cleared off the line by Fowler. In between times Rendell slid a shot wide, and Hatswell was off-target with an attempted overhead kick.

But generally our final delivery was poor, and possession was surrendered far too easily on numerous occasions. By the time the final whistle came it was something of a relief, and if we are to record the required margin of victory against Altrincham cooler heads will certainly be required. Bring it on.

Man of the Match: Chris Holroyd. No one in white could get near him all afternoon.







Celebrity sighting of the Match: Russell Brand, who joined the action at half time playing under the pseudonym Rob Sinclair. No sign of Jonathan Ross though.

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U's:4 Vics:1

What's that I see careering past my window? It must be one of the wheels that have fallen off Burton's title challenge in the last couple of weeks.

Sadly, I suspect that the remaining wheels will be enough to help them wobble over the finishing line, and indeed it would take a massive engine failure for them not to beat Weymouth's collection of school boys and cast offs (and Stephen Reed) on Tuesday night. But the way we're playing at the moment we'll certainly be right in their slipstream as the chequered flag approaches.

That's enough with the car analogies for one day. United barely needed to leave third gear (sorry) to beat a surely-doomed Northwich side and close the gap further on the leaders. It wasn't exactly a classic performance, but four goals are four goals, and it shows how far we've come that we're now confidently beating teams like Northwich and Woking (as we should), rather than scraping past them as we were earlier in the season.

From the off it was fairly obvious that the visitors weren't very good, not least because they were fielding one of the non-leaguest looking players I've seen for a while in the rotund shape of target man Kyle Perry. What's even more shocking is that he's on the books of a professional club, Port Vale. The mind boggles.

Ryan Clarke in the Northwich goal made good early saves deny Bolland and Willmott, while Vics Lee Elam tested Danny Potter from distance with a shot which may have been heading wide anyway before our keeper turned it round the post. I didn't realise that Elam was still playing, and the formerly tricky winger looks a shadow of his former self. He's still a consumate diver though, as he proved on several occasions throughout the match.

Any thought that the visitors might cause us too many problems evapourated after we took the lead. Carden snapped into a challenge in midfield, dispossessing Crowell and sliding a pass through for Holroyd, whose lightning pace saw him reach the ball just ahead of Clarke and slam it into the net. 1-0.

Five minutes later it was 2-0. After a Pitt corner was headed against the crossbar by Bolland, Hatswell drove in a shot that Clarke couldn't hold, and Rendell, ever the predator, tucked away the rebound.

At this stage United were rampant, but Vics shocked everybody - including themselves probably - by scoring the next goal. Perry showed good agility for a big man by throwing himself to the ground just outside the box and winning a dubious free kick. From the set piece, Luke Joyce curled the ball over the wall, and saw it elude everybody and sneak in at the far post.

That certainly wasn't in the script, but normal service resumed when Rendell netted his second shortly afterwards. Again the quicksilver Holroyd was involved, picking up a pass from Robbie Willmott and sending over a low cross which left the unmarked Rendell with the simple task of slotting the ball in at the far post. That's an astonishing 14 goals for Scotty since he came back from the darkside, and he and Holroyd have now scored 15 times in the ten games they've started together. Stat-tastic eh.

Perhaps understandably, the U's took their foot off the gas a bit in the second half. No point over-extending yourself when there are tougher games on the horizon I suppose. Northwich also decided to get a bit more physical, with referee Steve Martin (presumably taking a break from the filming of Cheaper by the Dozen 987534543) failing to punish several blatent indiscretions. I'm all for referees going easy on the whistle, but when a defender is constantly putting an opposition striker in arm and head locks, it's probably time to step in.

I'm struggling to think of interesting things which happened after the break. The atmosphere was very flat, with both sets of players and fans seemingly accepting that the result was already a forgone conclusion. Parky livened things up a bit when he joined the action, extending Clarke with a near post shot that the keeper had to parry behind, and lobbing just over the bar after a sprightly run down the middle. In between, the wide man thumped home his first goal for the club, after fellow sub Jon Challinor's long throw had been flicked on by Holroyd. As the Brabinator mentions at every opportunity, having him back should be a big bonus in the run in.

Man of the Match: Chris Holroyd - Faster than a speeding bullet, and almost as deadly.

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U's:4 Salisbury:0

Last week in my match report I commented on Courtney's girly tights, which I may have insinuated were "not a particularly fetching look for a bloke."

I hope my words weren't a contributory factor to his goal celebration yesterday, during which he proved his, er, manhood by pulling down his shorts to reveal a pair of Stephen Ireland-esque Superman pants. Fortunately I wasn't close enough to assess just how manly the winger is, but by all accounts it was quite an, um, impressive sight.

The Pittster's goal put a satisfying gloss on a dominant performance from United, albeit against a fairly woeful Salisbury side. The Whites' house of cards has come crashing down this season, with the withdrawal of major backers exposing a fanbase and infrastructure unable to sustain football at this level. Histon take note perhaps.

On the pitch, things are so bad that they've been forced into signing Danny Webb who, at the age of 25, is already firmly in the "journeyman" category. His partner up front was another ex-U, Charles Ademeno, and it seems a shame that, after a couple of injury-hit years for the Southend youngster, their careers have converged. Hopefully Charles will go on to fulfill his promise at a higher level.

Salisbury have lost a few defenders as well, and it was soon apparent that, to put it politely, they're not the best when it comes to dealing with set pieces. An early United corner almost saw a training ground routine executed to perfection, with Challinor making a late, unmarked, run into the box, but seeing his looping header float wide of the far post.

To be fair to visitors, they were at least having a go at winning the match, backed by 45 vocal travelling fans. Ademeno's pace is still a threat, but they didn't really trouble Danny Potter, and the nearest to scoring they came was from a corner which was flicked across goal and wide by Herring.

And once United went in front there was only ever going to be one winner. Tonkin launched a long throw in from the left, Coulson and then Holroyd flicked the ball on, and there was Robbie Willmott to climb above his marker and nod into the net. Hurrah, 1-0.

Pitt curled a free kick over the bar, and had a goal ruled out for offside, while Farrell shot wide from 20 yards and had an effort blocked by a diving defender after a terrific passing move involving Tonkin and Pitt.

Usually in this situation the Brabinator's men go on to miss a hatful of chances before nervously closing out a 1-0 win, but on this occasion we doubled our advantage within five minutes of the restart. The electrifying Willmott accelerated away down the right, cut inside his marker, and looped in a cross for Holroyd. His header was brilliantly parried by James Bittner, but the rebound ran nicely to Rendell, who doesn't miss when presented with an open goal. All we want for Christmas is you Scotty, as Mariah Carey may have said. 2-0.

Holroyd was enjoying another good showing, and shot just wide shortly afterwards, while Rendell saw a header flash over the bar, and have an effort ruled out for offside. But we didn't have to wait to long for goal number three, and it was a deserved second of the season for young Chris. We got a corner on the right, and again Salisbury failed to pick up Challinor's late burst into the box. This time his header had a bit more elevation on it, and Holroyd was able to turn the ball in from close range.

Three became four moments later, when Tonkin put in another good long throw, which was helped on by Carden to the Pittster, who poked the ball home from close range, provoking the shorts-less celebration.

We probably should have gone on to get a couple more, with Pitt, Holroyd, and substitute Beesley all being denied by Bittner. The best chance came right at the end, and fell to Willmott, who pounced on a short back pass, but with only the keeper to beat, shot wide. Oh well, never mind.

So yeah, a nice convincing win ahead of the sterner challenges to come. We shouldn't get too carried away, as Salisbury were pretty dire, but we have looked like a much more effective unit in the last three or four games, and that can only be a good thing. The return of Rendell and Pitt has made such a difference, and I think Farrell gives us a bit of extra steel in the middle of the park which is lacking when Convery or Challinor are in there with Carden. It's all coming together nicely anyway, bring on the Villagers.

Man of the Match: Chris Holroyd - Always on the move, and capped a second successive excellent performance with a deserved goal.

Fashion Statement of the Match II: Although I never ever want to see them again in any circumstances, the pants are much better than the tights Courtney.

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U's:1 Blues:0

In the wake of the recent non-goal at Watford and non-penalty at Old Trafford, there’s been a lot of talk about introducing video technology.

But I think a better idea would be to give managers the right to change the referee once per match. Denied a penalty by the whistler that starts the match? Then why not upgrade him for one that will grant you a spot kick in second half injury time. Worked for us on Sunday didn’t it, and I’m sure Sepp Blatter would probably agree it’s a good idea. Maybe.

United’s performance against Grays was a big improvement on the shoddy capitulation at the hands of Oxford. However, were it not for ref number two’s intervention we’d probably be looking back on another frustrating afternoon at the Abbey. The U’s had plenty of chances to put the game to bed, and should have registered a more comfortable win against an ordinary, un-ambitious, Grays side.

Referee number one was an interesting fellow, who I feel had good intentions but often didn’t execute them properly. His keenness to play advantage undermined United’s case for what looked a clear penalty in the 20th minute. Chris Holroyd burst onto a Challinor pass but was yanked back as he was about to shoot. The ref waved play on as the ball had reached Danny Crow, whose angled shot was saved by David Button.

Challinor and Carden had shots blocked, while another good run from the speedy Holroyd saw him reach the byline but arc a cross just over the head of Crow. And just on half time, Button flapped at a corner, but Phil Bolland’s shot on the turn flew just wide.

Given our recent form, you got the feeling United might be made to pay for this profligacy, and Grays started the second period well. However, they weren’t able to test Danny Potter, despite a couple of set pieces that flew dangerously across the goalmouth.

And after a little spell under the cosh, United regained control, with Crow drawing a fantastic full-length save from Button with a deft flick that looked to be heading for the top corner. From the resulting corner, Danny Brown’s shot crashed against the cross bar, and moments later Mark Convery curled a free kick just over the bar after Crow, who seems to be gradually improving, had been fouled.

With the game drifting towards a goal-less conclusion, the crucial substitution took place, with the fourth official taking over from his injured counterpart. Evil also came on in place of Jardim, and set up Challinor for a weak shot on the turn that was easily repelled by Button.

But Big Lee was to have the final say. Challinor hurled a throw into the box, and as Hatswell rose with a defender the ref spotted some kind of infringement. It could have been handball, it could have been an elbow in Hats’ face, and most likely it was neither, but no matter, because once the dust had settled Evil thumped home the penalty, high to Button’s right. Hurrah.

So yeah, overall United deserved their win and played some decent stuff. But the return of Mark Beesley to add a bit of cutting edge in the final third can’t come soon enough if you ask me.

Man of the Match: Chris Holroyd – With Evil relegated to the bench, Holroyd took on the mantle of main striker with gusto, enjoying probably his best outing to date.

Non-league shoddiness of the Match – The Grays number 23 was presumably a new signing, as duct tape covered the name of shirts previous incumbent. Classy.

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U's:0 Gulls:1

I’m a bit worried that I’m becoming a bad omen.

The last game I saw was our loss against Kettering. A win and two draws later I’m back, and so is the sinking feeling which accompanies defeat. If anyone’s interested in sponsoring me to stay away from the Abbey then drop me an email.

Our poor performance could also be attributed to the teams’ reluctance to win whenever the South Stand initiative is put into action: Who can forget such glorious failures as Salisbury last year, and Crawley the year before that?

Regardless of the reason, we were pretty poor yesterday. Not poor like oh-my-gosh-I-want-to-kill-myself poor, but more a sort of this-is-so-mediocre-I-may-fall-asleep-at-any-minute poor. There was quite a bit of nice passing on display, but none of it came in areas that threatened Torquay, and as a result I don’t think their keeper was extended all afternoon.

It still should have been enough to get us a point against a Gulls side who came for a draw and executed their smothering 4-5-1 tactics to perfection. However, a last minute lapse of concentration allowed the visitors to take the win. Man-of-the-match Mark Convery (I doubt that combination of words have ever been used in the same sentence before) tried to play a long pass up to Chris Jones, but it was intercepted by Chris Todd, who sent Danny Stevens away down the right. His cross found Tim Sills and Wayne Carlisle in acres of space on the left, and latter dispatched a superb lofted shot across Danny Potter and into the far corner.

Prior to this chances had been at a premium, and in fact it was Carlisle who registered the only other significant shot of the match, ghosting into the box but seeing his effort brilliantly blocked by Potter.

United started really well, with Beesley, Evil, and Holroyd picking up where they apparently left off last week. However, we lost impetus when Beesley was forced to depart injured, to be replaced by new boy Danny Crow. Crow had the odd good touch, but for the most part looked like a man struggling for fitness, and you have to question the wisdom of sticking him on for such a long spell.


In fact the Brabinator tactics were a bit dodgy throughout. Without Beesley to link play 4-3-3 didn’t really work, as the midfield and front line were too far apart to get any cohesive attacks going. The obvious way to remedy this seemed to be to summon Felino Jardim from the bench, but instead when Brabin did make a change he introduced Chris Jones, who once more failed to make an impression. Word on the not-usually-that-well-informed street which I inhabit is that Felino isn’t very fit at the moment, but if that’s the case what’s he doing on the bench in the first place?

Our best chance of scoring looked to be from a set piece, and Evil really should have got one of three good headed chances on target. The lively Holroyd also spurned a good opportunity when Hatswell’s intelligent header found him six yards out with his back to goal. But his instinctive shot on the turn flew over the bar, and it was left for Carlisle to win the match for the visitors, booooooo.

Man of the Match: Chris Holroyd – Like the rest of the team he was a lot less effective in the second half, but the speedy striker looked dangerous whenever he got on the ball. Just work on the finishing please.

Celebrity fan of the Match – Soccer AM presenter and “fanatical” CUFC fan Max Rushden, who was parading around at half time. He told Five Live’s excellent Fighting Talk programme earlier this year that he’d “lost interest [in CUFC] since I moved to London”. Hardcore eh?

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Holroyd joins civilisation

Anyone else see this story on the BBC website?

Northern cities 'beyond revival'

Cities in northern England such as Liverpool, Sunderland and Bradford are "beyond revival" and residents should move south, a think tank has argued.

It goes on to say: "A mass migration to London, Cambridge and Oxford would stop them becoming 'trapped' in poorer areas."

The think tank probably believe they're being all big and clever by coming up with this great idea, but if they paid a bit more attention to the weird and wonderful world of non-league football, they'd realise that Cambridge United had this revelation some months ago and indeed have put a plan into action. Avant garde-tastic.

Having already rescued Brabin, Carden, Parkinson, and Bolland from the poor deprived north this summer, the club have done the decent thing and taken in another scouser with the long-awaited arrival of errant striker Chris Holroyd. Judging by those picture on the official site, he could do with a good feed, a warm bed for the night, and some make-up remover, bless his little heart.

"Things have dragged on for him and I think the fact that we showed so much interest in him has appealed to him," said the Brabinator of our latest recruit. Nothing to do with the fact that the season has started and no one else wants him then, eh Gaz?

Anyway, he's here now, and with Parky and the Pittster set for long spells on the sidelines, we needed a new recruit to bolster our forward line. Welcome aboard Chris.

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Welcome back Bimmo, see ya later Reedy

The bald scousers club at United enrolled another member yesterday with the return of Stuart Bimson as first team coach.

I was never a big fan of Bimmo as a player. He wasn’t really good enough to start with, then when he returned to the team he benefited from what I like to call Andy Duncan syndrome, whereby the paucity of the players around you makes you appear to be better than you actually are.

Anyway, he always seemed like a decent enough fellow, and has all his coaching badges, so will hopefully be a good addition to the team. He certainly didn’t do Hoyte or Farrell, his two former Bedford protégés, any harm, and anything which allows Carden to spend more time focussed on playing is a good thing in my book.

Speaking of crap left back’s, I wasn’t displeased to see Alan Lewer make an entirely predictable swoop for his secret lovechild, Stephen Reed. While Reedy made a few good contributions last season, he is a limited and easily replaceable player, who by all accounts thinks he’s better than he is. I doubt he’ll be missed unduly.

Meanwhile, just like the Cristiano Ronaldo saga, only with less preening and crass slavery references, the proposed transfer of Chester striker Chris Holroyd continues to drag on and on and on. “It's not dead in the water and I think we've got a good relationship with Chester,” the Brabinator told yesterday’s CEN, despite the fact that the strikers agent is continuing to avoid him like Peaches Geldof dodges rehab.

So far Holroyd has flirted with Stockport County and Bournemouth, while showing no public desire to come to United. One suspects he is keeping us hanging on as a last resort, and if that is the case I think it’s time to look elsewhere, starting tonight with Bury trialist Domaine Rouse. I reckon that with a smile like that the 19-year old could go a long way.

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