U's:1 Fleet:1

We’re only five games into the season and we’ve already had two last minute goals. JQ must’ve been rubbing his lucky rabbit’s foot against a leprechaun or something. One hopes we haven’t used up all our good fortune for the season in one go.

In a performance reminiscant of the Woking game, United huffed, puffed, and nearly failed to blow down an Ebbsfleet defence well drilled by Liam Daish and Twinny Kimble. With Brown and Quinton added to the injury list, Quinn picked two natural defenders – Albrighton and Reed – alongside Rob Wolleaston in midfield. While this certainly added to the solidity of our already water tight defensive line, it left the front two very isolated, and too often we resorted to the big hoof up to LFW.

With Ebbsfleet effectively closing down Gleeson and Pitt, thus cutting off the supply from wide areas, chances were few and far between. Mark Peters had a goal disallowed for offside, and Lee Boylan had an angled shot saved by the keeper at the near post. The closest we came to a goal was when Gavin Hoyte strode forward from defence and, with no challenge forthcoming, unleashed a rocket of a shot which beat the keeper but smacked off the cross bar.

Having shown little in attack in the opening 20 minutes, Ebbsfleet came out of their shell and went on the offensive. Chukki Erribenne should’ve done better from close range, while Mark DeBolla’s quick free kick brought a fantastic leaping save from Danny Potter. Luke Moore was enjoying a running battle with Potter and the United fans after a spot of handbags between the young striker and United’s new keeper. So it was no surprise when he gave his team the lead just before half time, shrugging off a couple of challenges and firing in an unstoppable shot from the edge of the area.

United improved a bit after the break, but the flow of the match was being continually disrupted by Ebbsfleet, who embarked on a blatant campaign of timewasting by throwing themselves to the floor at every opportunity. Referee Sarginson didn't help matters by blowing his whistle every 30 seconds, presumably to ensure we didn’t forget he was there.

It wasn’t until substitutes Smith, Hyem, and Rendell entered the fray that United really started to turn the screw. With the midfield looking more balanced and Rendell providing some dynamism up front, Ebbsfleet’s attempts to preserve their lead got more and more desperate. A cracking Pitt cross just eluded Boylan and Rendell in the middle, while Rendell was twice denied by great saves from Scott Tynan.

As the clock ticked into injury time, a pass from Gleeson found Hyem on the edge of the box. He arrowed a shot over Tynan, which hit the underside of the bar and bounced out. Whether it crossed the line or not is anyone’s guess, but Rendell followed up and nodded the ball into the net to make sure and preserve our unbeaten record.

I could probably just retype my summary of the Woking match here, as it would be equally applicable. We’re crying out for someone to give midfield a bit of creativity, but other than that there are plenty of promising signs. Hopefully we’ll have a couple of the injured players back (or maybe some new signings) and get back to winning ways on Friday night at Weymouth.

Man of the Match: Rob Wolleaston – An all action performance in which he at least tried to give some support to United’s isolated strikers.

Lookalike of the match: Referee Mr Sarginson looked like a thinner version of MOTD2 front man Adrian Chiles. I think the portly presenter would’ve probably done a better job.

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Cards:0 U's:0

I headed to Woking hoping for the kind of spectacular winning goal we’ve seen in the last couple of years from Jamie Guy and Stephen Smith. Unfortunately the teams had other ideas, and played out a fairly uneventful 0-0 draw.

United had plenty of possession, but showed a slightly worrying inability to turn it into clear cut chances of note against what has to be said was a fairly formidable Woking back line. On a positive note, we rarely looked troubled by the unambitious home side, and kept our first clean sheet of the season.

In the only team change, Mark Peters made his first start this team in place of Gavin Hoyte, who was still feeling the effects of last week’s mystery virus. I hope it’s not bird flu. Backed by around 500 travelling fans (the official figure of 380ish was supplemented by at least 100 who got in for free after Woking ran out of tickets, how non-league) United won a couple of early corners but didn’t test the keeper on either occasion.

Every set of fans in the country seem to have a long standing grudge against Leo Fortune-West, and Woking are no exception. The supporters behind the goal booed his every touch, and he didn’t exactly endear himself to them by catching Nick Gindre with a flying elbow which ended the keepers match. United were also forced into a first half change, with Darren Quinton being replaced by Stephen Reed.

Woking were letting us have most of the ball, and their only really threat came from the lanky legs of Marvin Morgan, who had the best chance of the first half (and probably the match) when he bustled past Mark Albrighton but was denied by the alert Danny Potter.

The match didn’t really improve after the break, and United failed to test Gindre’s teenage replacement Ross Worner, despite having numerous corners and free kicks around the box. The best chances fell to big Leo, who twice had a sight of goal but put his shots wide, and Courtney Pitt, who should’ve hit the target after making a good run into the area.

0-0 was probably a fair enough result, and as I said earlier, United really should’ve done more with the possession they had. The return of Mark Convery to add a bit of invention to the midfield cannot come soon enough, and even the resurgent Quinton was missed after he went off. Still, the unbeaten run continues, and we’re already ahead of Jimmy’s two points per game target.

Man of the Match: Mark Peters – Returned to the team like he’d never been away and displayed some typically imperious heading and tackling.

Helpful staff of the Match: The first aiders who came to my girlfriends’ assistance after she sprained her ankle on the way to the match. Credit should also go to the other staff and stewards at Woking who let us through into the seats without making a fuss.

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AOB: England expects....too much

Lets be honest from the start – like the rest of the country I don’t especially care about England games except when we’re in the finals of a major tournament. I can’t even really get that excited about qualifiers, unless it’s a kind of win-or-bust final game shoot ala Greece ’01, Turkey ’05 etc.

But sadly I had nothing better to do last night, and tuned into the England – Germany friendly. With the result being of no consequence at all the annoying bits about watching England on the BBC came to the fore:

- Gary Lineker making lots of smug ‘there’s no such thing as a friendly between these two’ type comments
- John Motson (below) shrieking like a sheep-skinned banshee and shoe-horning in about a millions reference to ‘that glorious night in Munich’.

- Mark Lawrenson being Mark Lawrenson

To complete the masochistic experience I then listened to 6-0-6, which featured about a million cabbies from South London going on about how disgraceful England had been, egged on by Alan Green, who seems to have rediscovered his Northern Irish roots now they’ve won a couple of games. It was like stabbing myself in the heart then hanging myself for good measure.

I didn’t think the game itself was actually that bad, certainly not as bad as has been made out by the media, and herein lies the problem with England, or more accurately England fans. We expect far too much.

Few teams play brilliantly in friendlies, and even if they do I don’t think you can consider a non-competitive game an accurate barometer of their quality. England may have lost, but they created a few chances and would’ve drawn against a competent German side were it not for a goalkeeping error. There were also plusses in the shape of the performances of Richards, Joe Cole, and Wright-Phillips. Unfortunately this isn’t enough to please Derek from Romford.

I’m not saying here that England are world beaters, but simply that we haven’t become a terrible team on the strength of last nights match. The results over the last couple of years have shown us to be pretty average, and even if we had tonked Germany that wouldn’t have changed this fact. I’m not a huge Steve McClaren fan, but I do feel a little bit sorry for him when elements of our fan base and media will never be satisfied.

Oh well, I'm sure my patriotic feeling will have returned by next summer. How much is a flight to Zurich these days anyway?

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Table Topping U's:5 Celtic:1

If this report is full of spelling mistakes and bad grammar, it’s because I was up late last night staring at the league table. Here it is.

I don’t remember the last time we were top of anything, we don’t even seem to win awards for our bacon rolls or our programme nowadays. So however short lived it may turn out to be, I guess we should enjoy our spell as Conference leaders while it lasts.

Last nights game was the first one I’ve have seen this season, and I think it’s quite obvious how we’ve got to the top of the league (which is good) and why we probably won’t stay there (not so good). While we’re solid, strong, formidable in the air, and fairly clinical in front of goal, we look susceptible against pace and movement and still lack the right balance in midfield at times.

Nevertheless, it seems a little churlish to be moaning about the team so much after a 5-1 win, especially when our squad was supposedly riddled with a virus. Despite this sickness, the only change to the line up from the Oxford game was the return of Danny Brown in place of Stephen Reed. Farsley, who’s rise from pub league obscurity mirrors that of our dearly beloved village neighbours, lined up in an attacking but ultimately suicidal 4-3-3, presumably to try and go man for man with out three central defenders. Needless to say it didn’t work.

The first goal came after two minutes. Rob Wolleaston cut in from the left, rode a challenge on the edge of the area and fired in a shot which took a big deflection off a defender (the official site says Leo Fortune-West, but it looked like a green shirt from where I was standing) and wrong footed the keeper.

From the off it was clear the Farsley defence was, to put it politely, not the best. They didn’t seem to know how to deal with LFW’s height, and he added the second goal in the tenth minute, turning the ball into the net after Mark Albrighton’s header had been fumbled away by the keeper.

Farsley woke up at this point, and it’s easy to see how they’ve had so much success over the last few years. Some intricate passing football just lacked the finishing touch, and when Gavin Grant did get a sight of goal, his shot was weak and Danny Potter made a comfortable save. We went straight up the other end and made it three when Darren Quinton’s cross was scrambled away as far as big Leo, who slammed a shot high into the net from about 10 yards.

The veteran striker was in imperious form, and was denied a hatrick twice in quick succession when first a goal bound header was cleared off the line, then the keeper came out quickly to block a shot.

United started the second half sluggishly, and for about 20 minutes Farsley looked capable of mounting a comeback. We gifted them the softest of soft goals when Wolly aimed a back pass at Potter from the half way line, not noticing that Grant was lurking in between them. Potter got hands to his shot but couldn’t prevent it creeping into the net.

But, galvanised by substitute Stephen Reed, United ended the contest with ten minutes left. Quinton played a great pass into Lee Boylan, whose cross was tucked by LFW, who looked entirely under whelmed at completing his first U’s treble.

Four became five when Albrighton headed his first goal for the club from Reed’s teasing corner, and the final whistle followed minutes later to confirm our position as league leaders.

The final score probably flattered us a bit, but conversely we could have easily had seven or eight goals against a Farsley side who will go the way of St Albans if they don’t tighten up their defence. It was pleasing that we scored five goals despite minimal involvement from Lee Boylan, who had a quiet game, and we should certainly be full of confidence going into what look like two winnable games over bank holiday weekend.


Man of the Match: Leo Fortune-West – Despite not really doing much in the second half, and looking like a big grumpy bear throughout, you can’t really fault a man who scored a hatrick. Keep up the good work Leo, and try to smile!







The big man looking intellectual

Buffoon of the Match: The bloke standing behind me in the Habbin who kept up a verbal assault on Danny Brown throughout the game, even after he had been substituted. “You’re a fucking disgrace Brown, Piss off” was one particular highlight.

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York:1 U's:2

Wooooooooooooooooo. That is all.

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Predictions...

If this post has a European feel to it, it's because I'm writing from the heart of Europe – Paris to be precise. Imagine me in a James Richardson-esque pose outside a suarve cafe with a cappucino and a giant ice cream sunday. Or not, if you prefer.

Me?

Anyway, the season starts properly on Saturday, and I shall be away for the first three games (although I have found an Irish pub with Setanta which has agreed to show the Oxford match, hurrah). I don't really like making predictions as they usually come back to bite you in the arse, but one thing I feel I can say with confidence is that we won't be involved in a relegation scrap this season.

Why's that I hear you ask? Well firstly you just have to look at the squad to see that its stronger and better balanced than this time last year. We have an excellent keeper for this level, who hasn't yet shown himself to be a tosser (hello Paul), and we've finally got shot of the defensive liability that was Andy Duncan. In midfield there's now a good mix of muscle (Brown) and guile (Convery), and up front Boylan looks full of goals.

Despite his many failings, by the end of last season JQ had made us fairly hard to break down, and if he can continue to instill this kind of mentality into this years team, I don't doubt the holy grail of mid-table mediocrity is attainable.

Anything more than that will depend on us having a fair bit of luck throughout the season. While we do seem to have a better balance than last year, we still lack right sided players and a direct replacement for Danny Brown. Duncan may be gone but Gavin Hoyte has looked shaky in pre-season and could take over his mantle of defensive weak link (although to be fair I thought he improved as pre-season went on). And then of course there's the usual problem of scoring goals – any significant injury to Boylan would be disastrous, although the signing of Leo Fortune-West and his giant elbows could be an astute one. I would certainly rather have him on our team than playing against us, despite his advancing years.

So by my reckoning promotion is still a little way out of reach, but hopefully we can progress this season on and off the pitch. Thanks to the wonders of the internet I'll be keeping an ear on Saturdays match from this side of the channel, hoping we don't make it a trio of opening day 1-0 defeats. Once more, I won't be holding my breath.

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Any Other Business: Missing the Point-on

I had the pleasure of speaking at length to Barbara Pointon this week. She is the wife of the late Malcolm Pointon, a former Cambridge University lecturer who fought a long running battle with Alzheimer’s disease.

Mr Pointon’s plight was filmed in the famous documentary Malcolm and Barbara: A True Love Story in 1999. An updated version of this is being aired next week featuring the months leading up to his death earlier this year. You will probably have seen the furore in the press this regarding whether or not the actual moment of Mr Pointon’s death is screened or not.

As ever our wonderful tabloids, stirred up by the helpful Mary Whitehouse-wannabes from mediawatch, are totally missing the point. The Pointon’s wanted these documentaries to go ahead to raise awareness of Alzheimer’s disease, not to break some kind of televisual taboo. This is not a Big Brother style programme employing shock tactics in a bid for ratings.

Alzheimer’s does not share the kind of high profile which is afforded to cancer or heart disease, despite the fact it is now the second highest killer in the UK. Care provision for Alzheimer’s patients who want to stay in their own homes is also woefully insufficient, another point Mrs Pointon is keen to bring to the attention of the public at large.

Unfortunately this moving attempt at highlighting these problems seems to have now been hi-jacked by newspapers wanting to stick the boot in on ITV, and the holier-than-thou mediawatch bods intent on getting some publicity for their own cause.

We live in a world of 24-hour news coverage, where we are faced with images of death every day, many of which pass everyone by without a second thought. It is then perhaps a sad indictment on our society that these 30 seconds of footage have already created far more column inches than the much bigger issues which feature in the other 89 minutes of the programme ever will.

- Malcolm and Barbara: Love’s Farewell, is screened on Wednesday August 8. It starts at 9pm on ITV1.

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