A true Frankenstein footballer

Anyone seen the article on the BBC website about Football's Frankenstein? Some bloke is apparently taking the best bits from the worlds top footballers and training himself to immitate them using some kind of brain programming. When he's finished he seems to think he'll be the ultimate footballer.

Sounds like a load of old crap to me, but it did get me thinking about who you could combine to get the worlds worst footballer. Imagine a combination of the "skills" of these ex-United players - it trully would be a Frankensteins monster:

Brain: Stephen Reed - Despite being solid if unspectacular on the pitch, Reedy was clearly not the sharpest tool in the box, as demonstrated when he signed a new contract this summer, then apparently marched into the managers office two weeks later to demand, er, a new contract.

Movement: Dan Chillingworth - Even though he scored one of the best goals ever at the Abbey, for most of his career Chilli was about as mobile as that sculpture outside the Grand Arcade.

Turning: Danny Webb - Has there ever been a more anemic front line in United history than Webb and Chillingworth? The former had the turning circle of a battleship, and probably the best thing he ever did in United colours was smacking Luke Guttridge in the face (something I'm sure we'd all do given half a chance).

Finishing: Martin Carruthers - Hailed as the man to save our 04/05 season by Steve Thompson, a statement which should disqualify the fat-ankled one from ever working in football again. An open goal miss in the crucial game against Kidderminster was a particular lowlight of Carruthers undistinguished spell in black and amber.

Strength: John Turner - United fans must have spent two or three years waiting for JT to bulk out a bit. I imagine our counterparts at Kings Lynn are still waiting.

Explosiveness: Ashley Nicholls - I'm not entirely sure how you quantify explosiveness, but I just wanted an excuse to add Nicholls to this list because he's a pie-eating t*****.

Balance: Kingsley Mbome - I have no idea how Kingsley managed to spend time on the books of both Sheffield United and Celtic, considering his legs appeared to be screwed on the wrong way round.

Dribbling: Trevor Robinson - There are some seriously inept footballers in this list, but not-so tricky Trev was the worst, despite (or perhaps because of) looking just like Gus from Eastenders.

Heading: Leo Fortune-West - The term 50-pence-head could've been coined for the Lemu, who somehow appeared to be smaller when jumping than he was in a static standing position

Tricks: Parys Okai - How many defenders quaked in their boots when young Parys charged at them, stopped, did a few slow-motion step overs, then carried on. I'd be willing to be it wasn't many.