Borough:0 U's:3 & U's:0 Poppies:2

Like a blogging version of Tesco’s, I am today offering two match reports for the price of one.

Bank holiday weekend offered a brace of games of contrasting quality, and I’ll start by returning to happier times down on the south coast.

I actually think it would be a good idea if the Conference introduced a new rule decreeing that all away games be played in Eastbourne; what could be better than eating ice cream on the beach in the shadow of a good old fashioned pier, with the sun beating down on your face. You wouldn’t get that at Grays or Stafford, that’s for sure.

Inside the ground there was no segregation, a policy I suspect Eastbourne will review after a visit from some of the leagues more unsavoury sets of fans. But it was good fun (in a non-league kind of way) being able to wade in amongst their singing contingent, which comprised a handful of teenagers and a forlorn-looking drum and flag, the latter of which was captured during the half time interval by some cheeky U’s fans. Bless them.

Anyway, the first half was pretty one-sided, with United dominating proceedings, using the full width of the pitch to good effect. It was just the final ball that was lacking, with Jardim, Willmott, and Beesley all putting crosses in which failed to find waiting team mates.

But the result never looked in doubt once Evil had swept us into the lead with his fourth goal in as many games. Challinor worked the ball onto Beesley, who fed a perfect through pass into his strike partners feet. Big Lee took a couple of touches before guiding a low shot across the keeper into the far corner. 1-0.

Eastbourne vaguely resembled the St Albans side who spent a brief spell in the Conference a couple of years ago, knocking the ball around well but lacking any kind of defensive solidity. The second goal came moments before the break; A borough defender trod on the ball just inside his own half, and Evil pounced like a rampaging rhinoceros, surging forward and releasing Jardim. It looked as though the winger had held onto possession for too long, but in fact he timed his pass to perfection, squaring the ball to Ben Farrell, who lashed home from outside the box. 2-0.

The second half was fairly dull by comparison, with Eastbourne seeing more of the ball but doing little of note with it. Danny Potter provided us with a brief moment of excitement when he picked up a Hatswell back pass, but the resulting free kick from inside the area was blocked and cleared by the massed United ranks.

There was time for Chris Holroyd to mark a lively substitute appearance with a debut goal. Again it stemmed from an Eastbourne error which capitalised on by Beesley. His pass put Holroyd in the clear, and he beat Lee Hook with a stylish lofted finish. 3-0, job done.

Man of the Match: Lee McEvilly – At his unplayable best, and capped a good performance with a well-taken goal.







Bank holiday Monday saw Kettering arrive at the Abbey, along with a familiar face from our almost-glorious past; the dulcet tones, receding hairline, and constant mentions of Shrewsbury could only mean that Jimmy Quinn was back, making good on his pre-season promise to offer his punditary skills to Setanta.

After getting comfortable in the home dug out, shaking hands and chatting with the substitutes, JQ beat a hasty retreat pre-kick off, and spent the match watching from the Habbin. Given our lifeless performance, I can only imagine he was infiltrating the players brains, jedi-style, and encouraging them to play aimless long balls in the direction of Evil. Needless to say, the giant Poppies centre backs, Guy Branston and the brilliantly named Exodus Geohaghan, gobbled them up with ease.

Mark Cooper’s side won’t win many style points this season, but the former Tamworth manager had obviously done his homework, and his team worked hard to cut the supply to U’s wide men Jardim and debut-making Chris Jones. They were also a threat going forward, and Gareth Seddon had the best chance of a dull first half when he was denied at close range by Wayne Hatswell.

Five minutes after half time they took the lead, when former United frontman Craig Westcarr sent in a Wolleaston-esque cross/shot which eluded Danny Potter and flew in at the far post.

United had some work to do now, and Phil Bolland reacted well to a Jardim free kick, but shot straight at Lee Harper when well placed.

Any chance we had of getting back into the match evaporated in the 68th minute. Farrell raced after a loose ball, but arrived slightly late and stamped on Westcarr’s foot. The goalscorer went down in mock-agony, and referee Creighton, whose approach to card-issuing throughout the match was as erratic as a dyslexic postman at Christmas, gave the ginger-balled midfielder his marching orders. I’m not surprised the club are appealing what was a shocking decision, and I hope they are successful, not least because the only available alternative may be Darren Quinton, ho hum.

Anyway, with a man advantage the Poppies poured forward, and Chris Beardsley put the result beyond doubt when he finished from close range after fellow sub JP Marna’s fine run and cross.

Kettering deserved the three points, and it was a worrying performance from United, who never got to grips with the visitors physical approach. It is clear from the opening four matches that we can play football as well as the best of them at this level, but without a hard edge to go with it our spell at the top of the table will be as shortlived as Craig Pope’s retirement.

Man of the Match: Wayne Hatswell – no one really stood out, but for the most part 'Hats' kept his head while those around him were losing theirs.







Mutton-dressed-as-lamb of the Match: Setanta’s latest blonde bimbo reporter, who could do with a visit from Trinny and Susannah judging by the bizarre outfit she was wearing.